Journal Entry: Miscarriage
“The struggle is close, the Savior is closer.”
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through.
“Why? God, WHY? This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”
This was my prayer from the time I got the phone call with the news that we had lost our baby. For the first time, I truly thought I was broken. Heartbreak was no longer a line in a song, an illustration, or a figure of speech… it was reality.
I felt guilty for asking God why. I felt guilty for telling God that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I realized it wasn’t necessarily a prayer, it was more like a lament. I asked God to take the very life from my body and give it to my child.
He heard me and His heart broke too.
I pulled into the driveway and embraced my wife while trying to be strong. I had to give myself a pep talk on the way home to be there for her. Take care of her. Make sure she’s okay… I can take care of myself later.
As I was holding her, telling her it was going to be okay, I didn’t understand how it would be. As I was comforting her, I felt no comfort in my being. My body went numb. My eyes that haven’t shed tears in years, flooded. I broke. I wept in my wife’s lap. I collapsed and surrendered to the reality that my firstborn wasn’t going to actually be born.
Thoughts took over my mind…
How do we tell our family?
I’m supposed to have strong faith, how will I respond?
What about the shirts that we purchased for the announcement?
What if this is all a dream?
Why us?
How will this change my relationship with my wife?
How am I supposed to be okay?
It didn’t get better. Some people offered sympathy when all we needed was love and empathy. People make comments that start with “AT LEAST” which never helps.
AT LEAST you can get pregnant.
AT LEAST you weren’t emotionally involved.
AT LEAST you are still healthy and young.
AT LEAST you didn’t know the gender.
AT LEAST you weren’t very far along… as if that makes a difference.
I chose to believe those people had the best of intentions. They said something because they were afraid of saying nothing.
We did have an amazing support system (family and friends) that said all the right things… that listened… that cared. We had people that chose to revisit their pain with us in order to walk alongside us.
I’m confused. We grieved for 7 days and then the world moved on. Everything went back to normal.
How am I supposed to go back to normal?
So, here I am two weeks later and the world has seemed to move on without me. I’m the guy sitting in business meetings as a shell of a man. I’m the guy at your kid’s birthday party struggling to understand why my child will never have a birthday party. I’m the guy trying to function in society with a broken heart.
“You'll get through it.”
I know I will. That’s the issue though. That’s not the mentality I have towards the loss of my child… as if it’s something I grieve and then one day the pain goes away. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to grasp? Maybe the grieving process never actually stops, the process itself is to just get better every day. If that’s the case, I’m really looking forward to those brighter days.
Some days are better than others. It’s the triggers that are the worst.
The day arrives that you were supposed to tell your family
You meet the doctor who was supposed to deliver your child for a very different reason
You get an ad for a car seat on your social media
You run into people who say “When are you guys gonna have some kids of your own?”
You hear a baby crying in a store
I’m writing this because I’m not talking much these days. There’s not a lot left to say. If we’re being really honest, I kind of scare myself in seasons like this. It’s how I react under stress. It’s how I react when I’m weak. Yes, the most outgoing man now recluses, withdraws, and chooses solitude over involvement.
I’ve been getting up at 5 AM because I can’t sleep. I’ve had countless dreams/nightmares about my child and the miscarriage. I can’t fall back asleep so I go to the gym and work out. I’m working out harder than ever before because of the pain/anger I feel in my inmost being. I try to tire myself out so that my body is forced to rest so I can actually get a good night’s sleep.
I’m realizing that it's hard to grieve because our child wasn’t far enough along to know if it was a little boy or girl. I’m waiting to hear if I call my child by name in one of my dreams. At least then, I can mourn the loss of my baby, ______________.
In moments like this, I start to feel like people think I’m weak…. that I’m overreacting… that I’m just being dramatic. In the same breath though, they have no right to judge. They have no idea what’s going on in my life, just as I have no idea what’s going on in their life.
I can assure you. I am not doing this for the attention. I’m not doing this to get a reaction. I’m not doing this for sympathy. I’m not even doing this for empathy. I write/journal in order to relay the exact thoughts going through this mind of mine.
My relationship with God is deeper. I talk to Him as if He is my best friend. I’m not mad at Him. I’ve told Him how much I am hurting… and how much pain is in my heart. I’ve told Him that I trust His plan. I’ve told him that even when I can’t see how He’s working, I know it’s for His good… which I have to believe is also for my good.
Aspyn Lee and I have talked quite a bit about how we have no idea how we would get through this if it wasn’t for our faith in the Lord. He is gracious. We have prayed for peace, comfort, and strength to make it through each day and He continues to answer. He understands our hurt. He understands the cries of our hearts. After all, He knows what it’s like to lose His Son.
I choose to believe that this is a chapter in our lives that the Lord plans to use in someone else’s story. I choose to believe God has amazing plans for our future. I choose to believe that the Lord is going to bless my wife and me with beautiful, healthy children of our very own.
After a recent great report from our amazing Doctor (DR. K), and support from family and friends, we are starting to see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
** CHOOSING TO POST A PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY ON MY BLOGGING PLATFORM WAS WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. I TRULY WROTE THIS AS A WAY TO PROCESS. **
^^ To provide a little more clarity about why I decided to share this very personal story on the web for anyone and everyone to read, pray for, and relate to revolves around this idea:
Our doctor challenged us with something the day we met with him about the unfortunate news. He said, “who would you have told if you were giving them amazing news? Tell the same people the sorrowful news. The people you choose to share things with should support you in the most joyful seasons as well as the most sorrowful.”
We would have posted our pregnancy announcement and the amazing news with the world. Therefore, I’m choosing to share the disheartening news my wife and I are currently navigating in order that you could be our support in these dark days. Please lift us up in your prayers and thoughts. We love you guys.
Always in your corner, …. and I could use you in mine right now.
-LM
