Teammate

“Even when you are in conflict, you are still teammates.” - Dr. Bell

I’ve made it a goal to post more consistently. It used to take me a while between posts because I wanted everything to be polished; but lately I’ve realized I find the most joy when I don’t feel like I’m performing. It feels better to relate—to be vulnerable. Nobody can relate to perfection, because nobody is perfect, but people can relate when someone is real—and that’s what I strive to be.

I was taking a class that I was told I didn’t need my senior year of college. It added 3 more credit hours to my already chaotic semester. I was encouraged not to take it. I was told it would wear me out and I would regret it. My 22-credit hour semester, on-campus job, and off-campus job seemed exhausting at times, but the only thing I would have regretted was not taking this class.

The class was called ‘Introduction to Family Studies’. For those of you who don’t know, my major is Public Relations and has nothing to do with Family Studies. I knew I was about to propose to the love of my life and I wanted all the knowledge I could gain regarding how to be a great boyfriend, fiancé, husband, and father one day. My fiancé is a Family Studies major and she was in the class so we figured it would be a good idea to take it together.

Before long, we were both loving everything we were learning about each other and ourselves. (This class should have been a general education class in my opinion.) It taught me more about life, relationships, society, interaction, and my role than any other class in my educational career.

It was in this class that I heard advice I have carried with me ever since. This advice heavily influences the way I show up in my relationship to this day. Dr. Bell was talking about something referred to as the “fear cycle.” He had us fill out a worksheet basically showing us how our biggest fears shape and influence the way we show up in relationships. When a student asked how he and his wife handle conflict, without hesitation, he responded with this phrase: “Even when we are in conflict, we are still teammates.”  

Aspyn, my fiancé, and I looked at each other and instantly knew that was going to be a declaration and defining phrase we would adopt into our relationship. So many times, couples find themselves in conflict and end up saying demeaning words or phrases to the person they claim to love. For the most part our culture and society offers terrible relationship advice. Think about it, the Netflix series we watch, the music we listen to typically displays conflict as the opportunity to get under the other person’s skin—to embarrass them, to get back at them. They paint relationships as cunning and manipulative. There is a reason it is called DRAMA—because it’s full of it. (Disclaimer: I’m not attacking the show you are currently binge-watching… I’m just saying, maybe get your relationship advice from somewhere else).

This very lesson reminded me of a conversation I had with my mentor, Dr. Chinn. Dr. Chinn and his wife have been married for quite some time. I respect him to the highest extent. He’s the type of person that is soft and few with words, so when he speaks… I listen. I love when he offers advice without even knowing it. He said something along the lines of, “Lain, my wife and I have never raised our voice at each other in marriage. I mean, why would you want to raise your voice and hurt someone you love?” I remember sitting there with my cup of coffee, thinking to myself, I want that. I want to love my wife in such a way that I lift her up with my words instead of tearing her down. I want to love her and love her well.

Gratefully, I can say Aspyn and I have never raised our voice at each other—it’s not natural for us to raise our voice anyway. I’m not saying we don’t have disagreements—I’m saying we’ve made our minds up to do our best to love the person well even in the midst of conflict. In other words—she’s my teammate, the girl I love more than anything. We’ve realized that neither of us “win” in an argument if the other person feels less than—if the other person feels misunderstood—if the other person feels neglected—if the other person doesn’t see their worth. I always want Aspyn Lee to know that she’s valued, loved, and respected. And after Dr. Bell’s class, I want her to know that we are teammates through everything.

I get to marry Aspyn Lee in May and I could not be more ready. Again, by no means am I claiming that I have it all figured out—none of us do. I am not above mistakes. What I am saying is that I love Aspyn more than anything. And if I claim to love her with my words, I’m going to love her with my actions. I’m going to do my best to encourage and lift up. I tell her all the time, “I want to be your ‘hype man’.” Seriously, I follow her around and tell her that she’s amazing, she’s worth more than the stars and moon, she’s the jaw-dropping gorgeous and I have no idea how I am blessed enough to call her mine, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, she’s funny, she’s sassy, she’s my everything. And even in the midst of conflict, I remind her that I love her—and that’s she’s forever my teammate.

You are so loved! Until next time,

-LM

RECOMMENDATION:

My friend, Luke Lezon, wrote a book that just came out this week! The book is called, Your Mess Matters. Trust me, you won’t regret this read. I’m so pumped to see what God is doing in his life.